You know what shits me? When one of my adoptee friends posts something on their blog or on their Facebook page about how much their birthmother sucks and then gets inundated with birthmothers throwing a pity party for themselves. We know, we know, we've heard it all before - the baby scoop era was a terrible time, women were coerced, women were powerless, blah, friggin' blah. I swear I am not making light of the horrible things that happened to SOME mothers, what I am saying is that a) not ALL mothers were coerced into giving up their children, at least some did it willingly and considered the whole process like having a cancer removed, a cancer they never want to see again. And b) it is every adoptees' right to feel angry and sad about the fact that, regardless of the circumstances, what they experienced was abandonment by their mother.
It isn't that I don't feel pity for these women who lost their children; I personally know some who were chained to beds and drugged to the eyeballs and told they couldn't leave the hospital until they signed the papers. What annoys me is when they blatantly ignore the experience of an adoptee so that they can tell the world once again all the terrible things that were done to them. Those terrible things are irrelevant to my friend whose mother willingly abandoned her and then two more babies after her. They are irrelevant to all of my friends who have been rejected by their natural mothers in their adulthood, who have been told that they were nothing but a mistake who should have stayed buried, that they should have been an abortion. They are irrelevant to my friends whose mothers have denied even being their mothers despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary.
Reading over this I know it comes off as pretty harsh but I'm finding it hard to care right now. I love my adoptee friends; they are my true tribe. And when someone comes along and tells them that their mother treats them like they are less than nothing because SHE is damaged, it makes me want to scream. I do not deny that mothers who give up or lose their babies to adoption are damaged by it but so are the adopted people, the ones' her were completely powerless children in the scenario. And throwing yourself a pity and blame-shifting party on my friends blogs and Facebook pages is not... fucking... cool!!!
How would you like it if you had first mothers on your Facebook feed who'd been rejected in reunion by their kids and they went on a tirade about how much it hurts to be rejected by your kids and how all adoptees are assholes who are incapable of forgiveness? And you were an adoptee who'd tried to reunite with your mother and yours had rejected you? How do you think you'd feel to see someone accusing you of being heartless?
ReplyDeleteIf I get someone IN MY FACEBOOK FEED painting me with the same broad brush as her mother even though my circumstances were completely different then I'm going to take it as a fucking attack, and that is the way it is, and YES, I feel defensive and want understanding, because my other option is to say to her, "You are a vicious, backstabbing little piece of shit and I want nothing to do with you anymore."
She isn't, and so I don't want to do that. I LIKE her. I feel for her. I want us to get to a place where there's understanding between us. If that's not what she wants, or what you want, or any adoptee wants? That's your choice.
I'm done looking for people's approval; all my life has shown me is that I will never, ever get it. And that every chance they get they will stick the knife in and twist it again. I only owe an explanation to one person in this entire world--and it's not you or her. Similarly I don't owe either of you my friendship, either.
Have fun choking on your own bile.
It's nice of you to come and post anonymously on my blog post about how I hate when people attack my adoptee friends ON THEIR BLOGS. Tell you what, if you don't like it STOP READING IT! You don't have to be friends with people on Facebook, you don't have to read posts about vile birthmothers, you don't have to read posts from vile adoptees and you certainly don't have to go to their blogs and have a go at them for their opinion. But hell, thanks for proving my point! Appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteis there a like button here? pahahahaha:)
ReplyDeletePiss off anon and go cry to someone who wasn't abandoned at birth. This isn't about you you selfish twit.
ReplyDeleteSTFU and get over yourself!
Anonymous, I am friends on FB with fmoms who have been rejected by their placed children and I am privy to their posts about their anger and disappointment, but I don't go in there and tell these same fmoms to bottle it and that their placed child's pain is more important than theirs, blah blah blah. There are plenty of fmoms out there more than happy to paint adoptees negatively with a broad brush/ Really. And you know what? I don't engage with them. It's that easy.
ReplyDeleteWhy bother to come here and rant as anon and tell someone to choke on her own bile? No, you owe neither Eri nor Jeni your friendship. If you don't like what they're saying about Jeni's or another adoptee's experiences, don't comment. You can't claim the high road of politeness and then basically tell them to go fuck themselves.
Love you, Eri. It really sucks that people can't let us say our truths. They don't have to agree, but they don't have to play the "my pain is deeper than yours" game. It is horrible for all of us.
OK, so it looks like a few of the comments that were here have disappeared into the blogosphere, which is a shame because there was some good stuff there. Luckily they are all still in my email account so I will repost them.
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, it's nice of you to come and post anonymously on my blog post about how I hate when people attack my adoptee friends ON THEIR BLOGS. Tell you what, if you don't like it STOP READING IT! You don't have to be friends with people on Facebook, you don't have to read posts about vile birthmothers, you don't have to read posts from vile adoptees and you certainly don't have to go to their blogs and have a go at them for their opinion. But hell, thanks for proving my point! Appreciate it.
ReplyDeletejgf has left a new comment on your post "Inappropriate pity parties.":
ReplyDeleteis there a like button here? pahahahaha:)
Ella has left a new comment on your post "Inappropriate pity parties.":
ReplyDeletePiss off anon and go cry to someone who wasn't abandoned at birth. This isn't about you you selfish twit.
STFU and get over yourself!
iAdoptee has left a new comment on your post "Inappropriate pity parties.":
ReplyDeleteAnonymous, you have chosen to take personally the things that are coming through on your Facebook feed. If an adoptee posts their feelings on a personal blog or Facebook page as Jeni and Eri have done, it is highly probabable that he or she is not speaking to you directly or about all mothers. Not sure if you are aware, but Facebook does offer a "hide" function so you don't have to read anything that might upset you. It is also very easy to ignore a blog post.
You asked how Eri would feel if a first mother expressed herself on her own Facebook page and that status showed up on Eri's feed. I can't speak for Eri. But as an adoptee myself, I will say that I would certainly not take it personally if someone else felt rejected or hurt by their son or daughter and posted about it on their own Facebook page. Because that's their reunion and their issue. I would not view their expression as an afront to all adoptees. If anything, I would make an effort to feel compassion for that person and what they are going through. I would not tell them to choke on their own bile.