Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Do people know...?

I started writing this post about a month ago but then decided I didn't want to put what I was thinking out there. You see, I thought I made a friend through this crazy interweb thing, someone who I didn't agree with but who seemed to respect my point of view and would at least listen and admit that she hadn't thought of things "that way", from an adoptee's perspective. And then she disappeared. So when I started this post, it was going to be a question of do people know that disappearing without an explanation triggers all sorts of abandonment issues for adoptees? But then I kind of got over it. Figured that if she didn't want to be friends then it was probably for the best anyway.

So instead I want to ask, do people know what the definition of a support group is? I am a member of a fabulous adoptee-centric forum where we can all just vent whatever frustrations we have and know that our fellow adoptees will get it. Every now and then, someone will join and ask if any of us have any positive stories and they usually tell us that they feel sorry for us and are terribly sad that we feel the way we do and refer to us as anti-adoption. First of all, it seems to me that looking for positive stories about adoption on a support forum that advocates for change in its' title is pretty bloody stupid. I would not, for example, go to and expect to see stories of potential adoptive parents helping a mother keep her child instead of doing everything in their power to get their greedy, drool-covered little hands on it - it is just not the demographic of the place. I know this because I have read posts there and have observed the pro-adoption leanings. I would never ask their membership, "Don't you have anything NEGATIVE to say about adoption?" That would be rude.

I especially take issue with these questions on our forum because there are so few places where adoptees feel that they can be totally honest about how they really feel. We are usually pandering to someone - our family, our friends, our colleagues, society - and generally do not feel safe to be speak truthfully. On the rare occasions when we do speak up, people tend to dismiss us as having a bad experience, being angry and bitter or worse, UNGRATEFUL!!! So I am very protective of our little piece of the net and I get tired of having to justify what we say and how we feel to people who don't even know us.

Even more infuriating is when the attitude comes from an adoptive parent. Our membership includes adoptees, natural mothers and a very few adoptive parents. Those who are not adoptees but would like to gain knowledge from our perspective are welcome to stay with the proviso that pro-adoption rhetoric will not be tolerated and that our adoptee members will not edit themselves for anyones' sake as it is first and foremost a support forum for adoptees. Just like the pro-adoption boards would ban me if I showed my really, truly, true colours regarding adoption, adopters looking for validation on our board are summarily slapped down. Most don't like it and crawl away with their tail between their legs, never to be heard from again. It's usually for the best.

There are those who might say that we should take the time to educate, open the eyes of the ignorant to our truth of adoption. Bollocks to that. Our forum is our place. We are not there to be observed like wildlife in its' natural habitat, poked and prodded until we admit that we hate our adoptive parents and that's why we hate adoption. We are there to support each other. So, if one day you stumble upon an adoptee support forum and cannot find a single post singing the praises of adoption, just take a moment to think before you hit post on that question "Why is everyone so negative?"

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